Not Falling Over: Post 4: In the Midst of a Storm

A series following a professional woman’s experience of reoccurring suicidal thoughts and what she does about them.

TW: Suicidal Ideation / Suicide

46 days ago I had a day of ideation. I know this because I have an app on my phone which automatically counts up each day unless I press a reset button. This is how I’ve maintained stats for three years on how often and when I feel this way. This last occurrence was a Monday and according to another app I use on a daily basis, the ideation day directly followed three days I had rated as “meh” all of which were also logged as me feeling poorly, tired and having cried.

At the time I was aware that I should probably write about how I was feeling. For me there’s a very clear difference between feeling like it and not feeling like it. The condition is one of mental health but the feelings can definitely feel physical and when they pass there’s a palpable sense of relief — you’re not back to normal but it’s absolutely like something has passed. I could use an analogy about rain storms but the aftermath is less like coming inside in wet clothes and more like when my dog jumps up and stands on me when I’m in bed. She’s quite a weight so when she moves on I feel achey but relieved.

As it was, I couldn’t bring myself to write at the time. I felt exhausted and vulnerable and needed all my energy just to get through work that day. A few days later I was feeling a lot brighter and slightly kicking myself that I hadn’t noted down how I’d felt. That’s what’s so terrible about it; when you’re in the midst of all this you can feel completely beaten down but when it passes it’s ok and so it’s pretty easy to hide from others.

But then it happened again. Last night at 3am.

One of my counting apps also counts the number of days I don’t have insomnia and again I reset it if I can’t sleep or wake in the early hours. Lately I’ve almost quit resetting it because I’ve been waking up pretty much every night — not for a wee but just because my brain is waking me up for some unknown reason.

Last night I woke up with a massive wave of anxiety; specifically I was in a panic that I have no one to go on holiday with this year (and the cost of living crisis isn’t helpful for a solo traveller with no car and a dog) and also that I didn’t want to go through another Christmas on my own. Last night my brain told me that the only solution is to not be here anymore and I felt really helpless because it felt like my brain was right. I didn’t cry but I just felt really sad that I was losing my battle. An hour or so later the dog came upstairs and jumped on my bed. She’s not allowed to sleep on there and usually gets pushed off and then she sleeps on the floor — but I didn’t even think to move her.

My strategy for when in crisis varies depending on what time of day it is and what I’m doing. It’s happened once during the pandemic when I was at work (although working from home thankfully) and I tried ringing the Samaritans but couldn’t get through immediately so hung up, broke down and sobbed my heart out. I texted a friend to tell him my ‘funny’ story about being on hold when in crisis and he drove over and spent the day at my house. I’d spent about 90 minutes crying (mostly alone) and then went back to work and didn’t tell anyone from my team. My work level is high enough that there was no noticeable drop in productivity.

If it’s an evening then I’ll crash on the sofa and not do a lot but if it’s a weekend I’ll spend a lot of time in bed. Lately that’s not been an option because of my new dog. I usually do a 3 mile park walk with her each morning but if I’m really shaky that might end up being a much shorter 1 mile walk round the nearby streets. Recently the dog has been having some behavioural training (we both have issues with our cortisol levels at times) and I was talking about how tired I was from a work trip the day before. The trainer said that whilst it’s obviously important to walk your dog each day there’s no harm in having the odd duvet day. Which was helpful because normally I’d power through because in my head the rule is you walk the dog every day whether you’re well or not.

So today I had a duvet day. The dog had regular visits outside to the backyard but largely we’ve both slept and she’s not left my side all day.

Waking up at 3am with my head full of an existential crisis was horrible and it’s felt alarming that it’s not been brought on by me consciously overthinking and day dreaming but has come when I was asleep.

One thing that’s slightly reassuring is that like last month’s ideation day it’s again come after an extended period of exhaustion.

On Tuesday I had to to travel to London for work and because we finished late I had an overnight before travelling back the next morning. This meant I also had to put the dog in kennels (which I still feel a bit stressed about doing) so on Monday lunchtime I walked to the kennels and back (an hour round trip) and then I travelled to London on the Tuesday morning. I checked into my hotel on the way to the office and then got back to my hotel for 10pm. I was back on a train the next morning, going home via the kennels (which was another hour of walking) and then I immediately did an afternoon of work, skipping lunch because of the time.

The trip was productive, enjoyable and at times fun but it left me absolutely exhausted not least because Autistic Me struggles when I have to process a lot of information and trips away (via kennels) involves a lot of processing and To Dos. I’d booked the next morning off for my dog’s final behavioural class but I felt so tired I was dizzy. My friend who comes to the class with me suggested we cancel but it was too late for that so I ploughed on through. After the class we had lunch and then I had to log on for an afternoon of work.

I’m great at getting stuff done for work and the volunteering things I do but not good at looking after myself. When I’m faced with overwhelm my chest flutters until it hurts and I put all my energy into maintaining the status quo (which is usually me continuing to work, or parent, or look after a dog, or all three) and I drop unnecessary things like eating or communicating with others. It’s rare that I stay in pyjamas and don’t get dressed and even rarer that I don’t shower but eating goes out the window and I sleep a lot, sometimes instead of eating during lunch breaks. I also favour wearing hoodies and start wearing my hood up around the house, not during zoom calls obviously but if I feel the need to put my hood up that’s a warning sign. When I sat down to write this my arms went up to pull my hood up and I remembered I’m wearing a jumper.

Recently I’ve been like a broken record telling a friend that I need a holiday. He’s suggested all kinds of alternative relaxing things like Yoga Nidra, diaphragmatic breathing and things with your muscles but I’ve not been properly away for a few years now and I’m slightly obsessed with being able to go somewhere with others where I can just sit and look at the sea for a while. I feel lonely and burnt out so I guess it’s no wonder that when the exhaustion levels rise up my brain hooks onto the thing I feel like I need most but which is beyond my reach. Today my friend suggested I find a psychiatrist but I genuinely think if I’m running on fumes and need quality rest and a change of scenery then psychiatry isn’t going to provide that. I tried to answer his texts but found them difficult to understand and looking back at them later I think I misunderstood one of them completely. He doesn’t like me talking about my ideation and has not replied to my replies.

This evening the storm has calmed but I’m incredibly tired and my chest aches.

Helpful resources:

Samaritans (UK) https://www.samaritans.org/ 116 123

988 Lifeline (USA) https://988lifeline.org/ 988

International Suicide Hotlines https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/